my rave&rant corner

Am I going through a quarter-life crisis?

There doesn’t seem to be a day I don’t think what am I going to do next in life. Everyday I think to myself what job am I going to do when I complete my diploma, will I get a salary that I will be satisfied with? Even in my relationship I feel like I have so much insecurity.

I easily get temperamental over the smallest things, and I end up doing stupid things and saying stupid things I regret. Sure, we all do that. But how often does it happen so many times and to the extent that the other party ends up having born a grudge or some kind of emotional baggage against you? Not so much right? Well, it’s driving me nuts, to say the least.

I am losing myself, and I really have no one to turn to anymore. Because no one will truly understand the severity of how these thoughts are eating me up. It may be too far-fetched to think of the possibility of mental illnesses, yes. But given what I have said and done to ruin myself, I cannot say that is something I want to totally rule out…

The truth is I am very troubled. I have an extremely low self-esteem, almost zero self-confidence. I look at things very realistically and not to mention cynically, others would just perceive that is being pessimistic.
Well, I always feel like I am facing a battle with myself. To most people, they find it unnecessary and redundant, that I am being like this; making life difficult for my ownself. But every individual has their own set of principles, mindsets, rules in life, etc. you can’t stop what your mind is inclined to think or what your heart is inclined to feel. It is all what makes up who we are after all, no?

I really hope the person whom I will be talking to soon, can help me in some way or another. Even if it is to understand a just a little more about myself or how I can find myself again…

Being with him almost 90% of the time has finally taken its toll, in a bad way. I am happy for him that he is starting a new chapter in his life soon. It may even be considered as a new chapter of our relationship too.

But I don’t know why I am crying in the middle of the night. Are these tears of lonliness? I just didn’t think I’d end up realising that I cannot handle this as well as I thought. After having the benefit of getting to see him almost everyday ever since I started schooling, the after-effect of it has finally been bestowed upon me. What makes it worse is that we ended our day unpleasantly after experiencing a little friction around dinner time… and toward the end of the night I coldly let him go home without so much as an act of comfort or encouragement/support for his first day of work…

I feel terrible, and it’s not primarily because of his starting work and thus leaving me with plenty of spare time. But thinking ahead, I realised that I really will be left with a lot of free time. Besides assignments, I can’t really think of what else I can do to occupy me.

Finding a new part-time job isn’t easy either. Not many will want someone who can commit only less than half a year. Well, I’m expected to complete my diploma in Feb/March, I am bound to be asked what I plan to do next. “Find a full-time job”, which means I can only commit about 3 months, 4 max. There aren’t many who offer positions with such flexibility. And I don’t know how to lie saying that I can commit eg. a year. And not to mention that this term’s modules are actually more crucial than I thought. Sigh.

Well, there are some things that some people can do, but others simply cannot… Sometimes, things, situations, may be a lot more complexed than what it seems. There are certain combinations of feelings and emotions that people feel are just not easy to be put out in words…

May the force be with me..

Happy 1st Year MiLord … ♥

Well, things are pretty calm and peaceful now… although something somehow feels missing. Don’t know what is it though. And for some bizarre and unknown reason I don’t know why I started crying last night. There was a complicated mixture of thoughts going through my mind, yet I cannot pinpoint exactly what was what and why they were troubling me. I don’t know if he felt hopeless or frustrated seeing me like that.

Anyway, after my last exam paper, which sad to say I didn’t really do whole-heartedly, I was quite relieved that the exams for the term were over. The rest of my weekend and school break was pretty well spent. As a matter of fact, me and him practically saw/met/hung out with Edmund and Astria for 6 days in a row. Friday to The Crew Room at Prinsep, Saturday to Dbl O, Sunday we didn’t hang out with them but met only for a short while cos I wanted to borrow Ed’s DSLR (for Emily’s ROM), Monday to JB, Tuesday to Sentosa, and finally Wednesday to this Thai disco called NeverLand for Jeff’s birthday. wow, We’re like a couple of couples -_-

Okay, the activities with Ed and Ast mostly consisted of the usual drink, smoke and some forms of fun like card games and their usual five-ten.
Saturday in particular happened to be Halloween and lots of people dressed up for the occasion. Some looked a little weird while others looked kind of cool. But some looked more like they were dressed for cosplay. Then there are those wearing full faced masks that got me thinking what if some one came dressed like that and the person is in fact a terrorist? Well, maybe one of these days during such events, they’re gonna have to take down everyone’s identity before allowing their entry. Heh heh.
Monday was Emily’s ROM day. It rained that day and it was quite an irony considering the place is quite in the middle of no where. But the solemnization was over pretty fast and after that there wasn’t much to do also other than photo-taking. I was quite pissed off with one of her friends though. Apparently this fellow thinks only he was allowed to hold a camera and behaved as though no one else was allowed to take photos of the wedded couple. Jerk-off. Suddenly I imagine MiLord mock scolding this pig with the sarcastic “NBCB”s he’s been doing recently as a form of amusement. Hahaha… Anyway, headed home after that and in the evening met with him, before joining Ed and Ast with one of Ed’s good friends and Ast’s brother+gf to JB for some window shopping and a late dinner.
Then on Tuesday we headed to Sentosa in Ast’s dad’s car, spend about four hours or so there. Managed to swim a BIT. Still, felt quite tired by the end of the day… managed to get a good night’s sleep.
Next day headed to town with MiLord where he went to get his study books for his coming SCI exam which he needs to take before being able to start work, and at the same time I went to submit my final timesheet to agency. We had a very heavy lunch at Pho Hoa (Viet cuisine). Then later that night took a nice long bus ride to Orchard for Jeff’s birthday celebration at NeverLand. The place was erm… sad to say quite boring. Maybe it was a weekday. But I don’t deny the music isn’t that bad compared to dbl o on a Wednesday night. Dbl O’s house music simply sucks. Anyway even the live band and singers at NeverLand can sing those nice R&B songs like Sean Kingston’s Fire Burning, Flo Rida’s Low and even Kat DeLuna’s Run The Show! It was kinda cool but damn ironic that there was no atmosphere nor the mood for dancing! Haha… All there was to drink was Martell with mixers, I can’t remember when I last had Martell. Interestingly I didn’t drink much to even get high, but I still vomited when I go home. I really don’t know why. He said it must be the Martell or the fact that I hadn’t had that in a long time, but I really don’t think it’s the Martell leh! Who knows if it was actually something wrong I took. I didn’t have any stomach pain but I did get a headache. Weird! Haha.

So that was the last of the “happening” week I had so far. Been pretty much slacking until today and now.

Quite bored all of a sudden. Damn.

Is this a form of karma for me? Am I getting back what I gave because it’s a form of retribution that I deserve?

Fucked up life.

It’s interesting but shocking to know what a flu shot can do. It may be a one-in-a-million thing, but when I read the story and video of this one-in-a-million case, I think it’s quite sad, yet I admire her for her courage and strength to face the fact that life goes on.

http://www.nbcwashington.com/topics/?topic=Desiree+Jennings
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uR5p_bD3uLc

I have, for the past few days found myself waking up with a whole load of uneasy thoughts bugging my mind, feeling frustrated…

The recent things that happened and that I was told have resulted in me feeling like I suddenly no longer have any purpose or objective in life, neither do I know what I want to achieve. Sure, one year down the road I will have had a job (hopefully), but who knows if it’ll be a good one? That aside, I can no longer seem to see what else I am doing with my life other than a job. Everything else beyond two years is now a blur, or even just total darkness…

I can’t seem to have anymore certainty that I will be with you happily say, five years down the road. There is just so much insecurity. I know it’s probably mostly or all my own doing or that I think too much, or that if more significant improvements take place in the nearer future, then things may or can or will change. But I am afraid of hoping too much already. As of now, all I feel is this uncertainty that is eating me up every single moment I am alone or unoccupied. Maybe I just need an outlet.

I used to picture us five years down, still together, maybe settled down or in the process of that. But now… I feel very… disturbed, lost. I cannot foresee things as positively as I used to anymore for us. I just have this perception that you will just be continuing the lifestyle you have all along been living. Well, nothing wrong with that. But then again, if what you told be about your belief in love and marriage still stands firm, then I suppose there is nothing that anyone ever needs to worry about…

I really do not know how to describe the way I being bugged by all these thoughts, in words here. I feel like I am having a mind block to even express myself here… And anywhere else for that matter. I only hope that this is temporary. I do not expect you or anyone to give me comfort. The only hope I am clinging onto now is that things will improve and gradually, everything will come into place.

I am sorry you have to know all this from here… I merely needed an outlet, but sad to say I don’t know how to see you as one especially when it comes to issues like these…