the mind that is brimmed with thoughts, fears and question marks

Even here I am reluctant to actually reveal what it is that’s been bugging me of late. But I think I have sort of told this to only one person. Although I never actually said what my concerns and fears were so that never came to any conclusion or I never got an opinion..

Anyway, to make it as subtle as possible, it’s kind of something which some people around me have sort of speculated before on more than one occasion, but nothing turned out to be true back then. Even I never saw any possibility or likelihood of any of that myself.

Things have been different lately. It is apparently happening. Well, to me at least. I mean this is what I see and derive, but yet I have reservations. I don’t have the confidence to affirm anything or attempt that.

If things really get to that point, then my fears will probably haunt me for quite a while.

Let’s see how long I can hold all this off on my part before it all starts to eat me alive.

it’s been a while

I have been plain lazy. What more can I say?

Life has been pretty much the same. I’m still stagnant and unmotivated in life. There’s been a divisional restructure at work and I’m not sure if I’m going to like it since the person I’m reporting to has changed. Got myself a new phone ^^ Been playing Counter Strike Online a lot lately. Am still pretty much a loner and I guess being reclusive is just my thing. But sometimes it almost seems like some friends are better off having drifted away.. I mean if they don’t think you’re worth it, why keep trying to convince youself they are, right?

Oh, I still am a kpop fan.. lol. But a little out of touch lately. And yes, I still have the hots for 정윤호 ..haha.

~end~

Rant-free

Most (or probably all) of my friends who have hung out with me during the past two months should have realised that I have been rant-free about my job ever since I left that place. It’s been very liberating, so to speak. Not that I didn’t appreciate the company, but being under a superior who really cannot be labelled as a good example or role model, isn’t really something that can motivate a low-level staff to actually foresee a long term relationship with the company. As the saying goes, “People don’t quit their jobs, they quit their bosses” ..and it may not be true in all cases but I’d like to believe it’s true for 1 in every 2 cases out there.

Moving on, things look good in way & not-so-good in a way at my current place. The good is that I’m getting along pretty fine with my colleagues. The work doesn’t involve or require that much team-playing, yet it’s isn’t exactly so much about “you do your stuff, I do my stuff, end of story” either. There has never been a need to do overtime so far. The environment isn’t really fast paced; not everything is about urgent-this or urgent-that. Everything else is reasonable. The not-so-good part is well, probably the fact that I have been careless quite frequently. Guess I’ll really need to buck up on that

Finally “upgraded” my camera some time early last month. It’s actually been forever since I wanted to change my camera. I even remember it was somewhere in June or a little later than that since I first had that contemplation, and that was because of Super Show 3. And to think I took like weeks to consider and think over it so much back then, only to NOT get anything materialized at all! And now it took me just around 2 weeks to get everything settled! Impulse decisions may be good some times but they can still be dangerous! Haha!

And just a little less than a week ago, I also finally “upgraded” my desktop PC! I would’ve gotten a laptop if I had lots of cash to spare, because the cash will be used on getting a desktop AND a laptop. lol. I always believe I can get more entertainment value from having a desktop than a laptop. It’s not like I move around that much to need a laptop either. In addition, my parents use the PC too so having a desktop prevents noob-ish questions from coming my way. Speaking of which, I’m kinda sorry to say that I’m reluctant (unwilling, if you must) to install this silly mahjong game that my mum’s been trying to get me to do. I’ve seen her playing games (basic games like those on Yahoo) off the internet so why not just continue? x|

I’ve not gone blading for some time now. There were 2 Fridays when I went to ECP alone after work and, while it wasn’t exactly that bad blading alone, having some friends to go together would have been more fun. As usual, I don’t have the habit to initiate to ask others for cynical reasons Ah, travelling is tiring too actually, which is why going on Friday evenings is better so I can just sleep in all Saturday morning ^^

Okay, that’s five paragraphs of what’s actually been significant to rave(?) about.

Off to sleep ^^

my current state of brain ^^

still alive.. but not really kicking

Yes. Still alive and not really kicking.

Shall finally publish this draft once and for all. I’ve created this draft only to procrastinate finishing it up, then find it several days later to edit and update it…. only to procrastinate posting it again. ha.

Well, I am two weeks into my new job and trying, maybe even kind of struggling to get the hang of things. I feel a considerable amount of (possibly self-inflicted) pressure because the colleague who has been teaching me the ropes is off for her maternity leave and I need to cover her duties, as well as some of what my position is meant to do.

It’s been a little overwhelming. Probably because I’ve spent the past one year doing something that consisted of processes that I never really gained much from (i.e. brain is rusty). And of course also the year before that which was spent 50% slacking and 50% schooling.. heh.

All I hope for now is that things can go well at this job so that I can focus on the other things I’ve been wanting to do (I hope), such as getting myself started with driving lessons.

Been really really really really really really into Beast (a.k.a B2ST) lately. In a nutshell: Six cute boys who make me wish they’re my baby brothers. That is all I can come up with. Haha. Well, I can’t say that they are extreeeemely talented but I will say they are one of the better ones that appeal to me. Catchy tunes aside. I give them credit for their singing voices and whatnots. Plus, I have friends who appreciate them too in a sense, be it their choreo or singing 8D …I went to their fan-meeting with Huiyi when they here in SG earlier this month, and it was quite a blast. Despite the CAT3 tickets which were the furthest from the stage, we depended A LOT on the huge screen nearby us and stiill had a fun time. The boys were adorable and gave really awesome live performances! Definitely did not regret going. If they have a concert here in future, I would definitely want to go for it ^^

SuJu’s 5th album comeback is soon though, so I guess by then my B2ST mania will die down a little? Haha I don’t know but we’ll see I guess.

Traded in my Canon Powershot A650 IS last week, waiting for them to contact me when the Powershot SX30 IS is ready for my purchase ^^

I suppose I could consider going for Kim Hyunjoong’s fan meet for the sake of putting this camera to the test. HEH. But yeah I’m waiting for more information on prices. I still have a pair of Sennheiser headphones to get… Cannot allow my savings meant for a Korea trip (still keeping fingers crossed for next year) to deplete too much too fast D:

Ah, it’s only Tuesday. A long way to go.. Looking forward to blading at ECP every weekend 8)

…….till the next post

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Î qüìt Ü~

Tendered my resignation two days ago. Managed to get another job, of course. Well, it may seem to some, like something done from being irrational.. it’s actually only about.. 15% worth of irrationality. The new job is sounds quite okay in fact; I get to learn and do things which are definitely more useful and worth learning than my current scope, which I’m sorry to say I have not learnt much or anything that is useful and considered as an asset in any future career transition or advancement.

I’d seriously considered waiting it out longer until I find THE one, but that would mean being stuck with the horrible sadistic witch for a longer time, thus increasing the percentage of irrationality because I try oh-so hard at refraining from snapping at her…. which may eventually lead to me accepting any job any how (out of desperation to GTFO of there) without any consideration; I was actually very near to that point already. I have had on and off resume-sending exercises before but those never really turned out well. The last time I did that, I had somehow resigned to fate and accepted that no where else would offer me higher than my current salary AND have other “perks” like office↔home proximity + “flexible” punctuality + surfing net and msn at work (ha.ha.)… I thought I would/should be able to endure longer but I was wrong (well, we all make mistakes eh? lol). Quitting without securing another job is pretty much out of the question; it’s a risk I’m really not willing to take, and generally an act I actually consider as 85% irrational.
So yeah…

Reactions to my resignation? Initially she seemed normal, almost as if she saw it coming (like it was just a matter of time). She didn’t say much, just thought I was okay to wait for big boss to be back (Tuesday) before anything else can be done so she just kept it first. Then yesterday (Friday) she sort of tried to “push” the letter back to me, asking me to hold on to it first until b.boss is back. Then she said some crap which basically meant that she wanted to try and talk things out, saying that our department has only two of us so my reason can only be so few. Then she said if it’s the workload I cannot handle or that ****we cannot get along**** then we should try to “talk it out” (when b.boss is back). But she also said if I have a better offer then she/they can’t stop me also.

While it’s surprising that she acknowledges that there is a considerable amount of friction between us, but then of course, what’s new from her? The letter is simply a “responsibility” she doesn’t want to deal with, so as usual she pushes it away. I basically just said I have a job offer and I accepted it already (to which she asks if I have signed the appointment letter.. um…. so what if I have or haven’t?) and she sort of asked if there’s any chance that I would re-consider, I said not likely I will. She then seemed a little LPPL-ish and said okay, she’ll hold on to the letter.

I feel sad that I couldn’t tell it to her face there and then that she is the sole cause of my decision. I may consider doing so on my last day but we’ll see about it I guess.. Truth is, I have had enough. I do not want her to be the only thing I’m talking (ranting, rather) about every other day. This is just unhealthy.. no?
And to b.boss, I guess this will diisappoint you as much as you disappointed me when you gently rejected my verbal request to transfer department (in a way, you left me no other choice). Then again, I cannot expect you to totally understand how I feel because you don’t and can’t until you experience it yourself first-hand how she abuses me (and anyone she thinks she has the power to) verbally and mentally ON A DAILY BASIS.

Is pathetic to be working under someone whom I feel embarassed to be working under; it’s depressing to be working under someone who makes me do all the dirty work and thus annoying those who have to do extra work because of something she didn’t want, didn’t bother, or didn’t initiate to do; it’s upsetting to be working under someone who acts like she attempts to solve problems when her butting in is unnecessary and yet when the bigger problems arise she shuns them away; it’s tiring working under someone who thinks everyone has an agenda or is out to “shoot” her when they ask of this or that. This isn’t the kind of “support” or even role model that someone of her title should be giving/showing to their subordinate.

And so I’m saying buhbye.

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Happy June (?)

June was always my favourite month during school days, not just because the calendar in my kitchen always shows the month of June in a shade of yellow indicating it’s the school holidays, but also because I’m a June baby.

All that is changed now. Don’t really look forward to my birthday because there’s nothing much to anticipate for anymore anyway. And yellow-shaded June in the calendar only means less crowded morning transport when travelling to work, but more crowded shopping malls etc. every other time.

This year would not be of any difference. Other than the fact that I have to be working (because someone took that day and left me with no say), everything else would pretty much just be normal. I can’t even take leave because someone snatched that weekend away already. Well, I guess it’s not too much to make an early birthday wish to be able to get another job PRONTO. If you are wondering why, then where have you been? By now lots of people know what I am angry with/about almost every single work day (at times even on non-work days)..

While sometimes I feel a tinge of guilt when I think of quitting, it still not the kind of guilt that’ll make me feel “obliged” to stay on for responsibility’s sake or worse still, to stay on for another one year or more. What is the use when the person you thought can most understand your turns out to only care about herself and what she want? ..and isn’t even receptive to new ideas or just does what they want to do only? She doesn’t think any other method is better because she’s only used to her own methods which often create problems for others.

So a few days ago, I was telling her I’ll be taking leave on the 6th June. And her reaction was rather shitty, as in dramatic shitty (like in most other situations that need no reaction like that). She happened to be applying her own leave too, and showed me her calendar where she marked the days she was intending to take. 10, 13, 17, 20, 24, 27…. all of these dates are Mondays and Fridays. Well, it’s not like I expect her to report to me before she applies leave since I’m not the one who dis/approves, but hey, she’s literally “chope-ing” all the weekends. The least she ought to do as a human being would be to discuss with me since I also have leave that I need to clear by end-June. How could she selfishly take all the weekends like that and leave me with Tue-Thu? Sure I can take those days then I don’t need to see her fuckface but please, who will enjoy working one day, resting one day, working one day, resting one day..?
She eventually didn’t apply all of those mentioned dates.. The next day she discovered that those dates she applied somehow weren’t captured, so she actually bothered to ask me first which dates I’ll be taking. So I said I’ve yet to decide, and with a tinge of spite asked what choice do I have left since she’s planning to take all those weekends? …to which she went “that’s why now I’m letting you choose which weekend you want now” So after thinking for like 10 seconds, I said I’ll take 3rd June, and she said she’s taking that already…….. then another 10 seconds later I asked about 23rd + 24th and she said she’s applying those two dates as well. ……..well thanks for “letting me choose”. How very considerate of you to pay such lip service. I deeply appreciate it.

You know, it’s interesting how I approached my big boss A last December and told him somewhat vaguely that I was upset about her what gave a few scenarios. Then in January there was significant improvement in her tone and way of “reprimanding” (a “compliment” which I have duly taken back). But then after another one to two months, somehow the ridiculousness was transferred to her overall attitude. Or maybe it was like that all the while.. I don’t know. In the past two or three weeks it has come to a point where I cannot take it anymore. I somehow feel like this whole thing she did with the leave the last straw. Tried talking to Mr A but was rather disappointed in our conclusion of the discussion. I was no longer expecting Mr A to do anything to her anymore, my visiting him was actually to ask for an internal transfer to another department which I knew had an opening. So I guess I’m left with no other choice.

Have sent out quite a number of resumes recently. Well not like 10 a day but I try to pick and choose wisely now.. or cautiously if you must call it. Went for two interviews so far, one of which I have declined the offer for reasons I will not elaborate here. Still have two tomorrow.

I hope there will be something good.. If I have any luck in any of these few and if their terms are good, I would really want to get this psycho out of my life once and for all.

Wish me luck.

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Still alive ^^

Yes I am.. although I don’t even know who bothers to read my blog anymore.

Just did not have much mood to type updates.. But well, life is pretty much the same.. if not boring and lacking in motivation. Have been losing a lot of self esteem and morale during the recent weeks again..

As it should not be of much surprise, there can only be one reason I am choosing to pin the blame on: A superior at work who is simply inconsiderate, selfish, unprofessional, annoying to the core, oh and did I mention selfish? I recall a time when I implied I was mildly appreciative that her highly unpleasant and demoralisingly abusive tone made a turn for change.. I would officially like to take that back now. Not because she became all nasty again, but because I suddenly just don’t think there should be anything about her personality to be appreciative for. Also, because having a nicer tone doesn’t in any way mean a change in working styles or habits; it doesn’t mean she has become more responsible; it doesn’t mean pushes less crap to me; it doesn’t mean she is less obsessed with her stupid sales figure (which she isn’t even getting commission for).. and it most definitely does not mean she’s even slightly more professional.

I’ve heard that she’s been in the company for about 20 years odd, so I’m guessing she’s in her current position only because of that. It’s sad that she thinks she can get all tyranny just because she’s been around that long or because I’m someone who reports directly to her. I can only hope that I don’t become like her, if I can even withstand being under her for another year.

Oh well, waking up at such hours and finding myself blogging to rant about her is definitely not normal. I’m not even going to see her later since she is on leave and here I am doing this.

Mentally unstable much? Tsk tsk..

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