forced patience is a virtue?

It’s been a while, yet again.

Things haven’t exactly been going smooth at work. A lot has happened in the past month to two. While I was supposed to be learning some new tasks that are totally different from what I was doing initially, it seems to be something a lot more difficult than I pictured. And it doesn’t really help that I still have some of my former tasks to handle at hand. No, actually the load of those are not really significant. The highlight of the problems that are beginning to arise are mostly psychological.

Now, I know I rant a whole crapload about tonnes of stuff. But somehow, I’m feeling a tinge of being put off because my boss is actually doing that to me. She’s ranting a crapload about a crapload of different stuff; people, departments (HR, finance, etc.), some bossy chick who can speak japanese hired by our director, HQ, our directors who’re apparently unsupportive, some colleagues… and, well I’m not sure who or what else but I’m sure there’s more to list on. Any how, I’ll admit that there’s something about the company’s culture that reeeeally needs a major haulover… but then her constant rantings are kinda affecting the attitude I want to possess in learning these new tasks. I mean who wouldn’t be affected? It’s not just about what she says, but also about how she can go on for quite a bit about this or that person who pissed her off.

It’s sorta reached a point where I’m contemplating the idea of looking for greener pastures. I’m not even sure what I ought to do, but when I made an attempt to tell her how I feel, I ended up only saying that I couldn’t really handle the stress from some of the things that our Japanese boss wanted (it was she who delegated). But well, I know switching jobs just like that again is never the best idea, but it most definitely will have to be the last resort.

I’ll just have to wait and see maybe?

Or should I?

……No?

………….Yes?

/sigh/

the leap of… faith, on a leap year

I guess it’s safe to say that much has happened in the last 2 months..

Reading my last blog post, it actually has been quite a while since it started. Just as I was hoping to hold things off for as long as possible, I was instead confronted with the reality of it all… and just days after that blog post -_- Did the “confrontation” come as a surprise? Well….. yes and no. It did happened sooner than I’d thought (or hoped). But things were pretty apparent so it was really just a ‘sooner or later’ thing. Just that I was hoping for it to be ‘later’. Haha..

So… I met a guy almost 10 years ago. We hung out for a bit with a group of other then-friends, and gradually lost contact..

We got reacquainted some two years ago and it maintained as a good-going-on-great friend basis. Somehow, it appeared that we shared many similar ideals in life and were almost always on the same frequency.. and that kinda made it difficult to not be such good friends. Probably the only one person who can understand and has heard of almost every little thing that I have ever ranted about since he started becoming my erm.. “outlet”. It’s surprising how he’s been able to withstand my constant nonsensical (good and/or bad) ramblings.. lol.

I could have sworn one year ago.. or even six months ago, I was still convinced that being good or best friends was the furthest we could ever be for the rest of this lifetime.. Oh, and that I stood a pretty good chance of being a ‘sister’ if and when he got married in future (whoever with and whenever that may be… lol). At some points in our closeness, while I’d never hoped/wanted for anything more than a friendship, it was still a possibility I’d never actually ruled out.

And then it happened.

While I still don’t exactly have all that much confidence in myself to believe that it will all work out, it’s …amazing how much confidence he has that it just will. I still have a million and one fears and ‘what-if’s and they continue to bug me every now and then… But I am trying my utmost to not think so/too much (without much success I think) into every little thing that happens or doesn’t happen.

May the force be with me. lol

the mind that is brimmed with thoughts, fears and question marks

Even here I am reluctant to actually reveal what it is that’s been bugging me of late. But I think I have sort of told this to only one person. Although I never actually said what my concerns and fears were so that never came to any conclusion or I never got an opinion..

Anyway, to make it as subtle as possible, it’s kind of something which some people around me have sort of speculated before on more than one occasion, but nothing turned out to be true back then. Even I never saw any possibility or likelihood of any of that myself.

Things have been different lately. It is apparently happening. Well, to me at least. I mean this is what I see and derive, but yet I have reservations. I don’t have the confidence to affirm anything or attempt that.

If things really get to that point, then my fears will probably haunt me for quite a while.

Let’s see how long I can hold all this off on my part before it all starts to eat me alive.

it’s been a while

I have been plain lazy. What more can I say?

Life has been pretty much the same. I’m still stagnant and unmotivated in life. There’s been a divisional restructure at work and I’m not sure if I’m going to like it since the person I’m reporting to has changed. Got myself a new phone ^^ Been playing Counter Strike Online a lot lately. Am still pretty much a loner and I guess being reclusive is just my thing. But sometimes it almost seems like some friends are better off having drifted away.. I mean if they don’t think you’re worth it, why keep trying to convince youself they are, right?

Oh, I still am a kpop fan.. lol. But a little out of touch lately. And yes, I still have the hots for 정윤호 ..haha.

~end~

Rant-free

Most (or probably all) of my friends who have hung out with me during the past two months should have realised that I have been rant-free about my job ever since I left that place. It’s been very liberating, so to speak. Not that I didn’t appreciate the company, but being under a superior who really cannot be labelled as a good example or role model, isn’t really something that can motivate a low-level staff to actually foresee a long term relationship with the company. As the saying goes, “People don’t quit their jobs, they quit their bosses” ..and it may not be true in all cases but I’d like to believe it’s true for 1 in every 2 cases out there.

Moving on, things look good in way & not-so-good in a way at my current place. The good is that I’m getting along pretty fine with my colleagues. The work doesn’t involve or require that much team-playing, yet it’s isn’t exactly so much about “you do your stuff, I do my stuff, end of story” either. There has never been a need to do overtime so far. The environment isn’t really fast paced; not everything is about urgent-this or urgent-that. Everything else is reasonable. The not-so-good part is well, probably the fact that I have been careless quite frequently. Guess I’ll really need to buck up on that

Finally “upgraded” my camera some time early last month. It’s actually been forever since I wanted to change my camera. I even remember it was somewhere in June or a little later than that since I first had that contemplation, and that was because of Super Show 3. And to think I took like weeks to consider and think over it so much back then, only to NOT get anything materialized at all! And now it took me just around 2 weeks to get everything settled! Impulse decisions may be good some times but they can still be dangerous! Haha!

And just a little less than a week ago, I also finally “upgraded” my desktop PC! I would’ve gotten a laptop if I had lots of cash to spare, because the cash will be used on getting a desktop AND a laptop. lol. I always believe I can get more entertainment value from having a desktop than a laptop. It’s not like I move around that much to need a laptop either. In addition, my parents use the PC too so having a desktop prevents noob-ish questions from coming my way. Speaking of which, I’m kinda sorry to say that I’m reluctant (unwilling, if you must) to install this silly mahjong game that my mum’s been trying to get me to do. I’ve seen her playing games (basic games like those on Yahoo) off the internet so why not just continue? x|

I’ve not gone blading for some time now. There were 2 Fridays when I went to ECP alone after work and, while it wasn’t exactly that bad blading alone, having some friends to go together would have been more fun. As usual, I don’t have the habit to initiate to ask others for cynical reasons Ah, travelling is tiring too actually, which is why going on Friday evenings is better so I can just sleep in all Saturday morning ^^

Okay, that’s five paragraphs of what’s actually been significant to rave(?) about.

Off to sleep ^^

my current state of brain ^^

still alive.. but not really kicking

Yes. Still alive and not really kicking.

Shall finally publish this draft once and for all. I’ve created this draft only to procrastinate finishing it up, then find it several days later to edit and update it…. only to procrastinate posting it again. ha.

Well, I am two weeks into my new job and trying, maybe even kind of struggling to get the hang of things. I feel a considerable amount of (possibly self-inflicted) pressure because the colleague who has been teaching me the ropes is off for her maternity leave and I need to cover her duties, as well as some of what my position is meant to do.

It’s been a little overwhelming. Probably because I’ve spent the past one year doing something that consisted of processes that I never really gained much from (i.e. brain is rusty). And of course also the year before that which was spent 50% slacking and 50% schooling.. heh.

All I hope for now is that things can go well at this job so that I can focus on the other things I’ve been wanting to do (I hope), such as getting myself started with driving lessons.

Been really really really really really really into Beast (a.k.a B2ST) lately. In a nutshell: Six cute boys who make me wish they’re my baby brothers. That is all I can come up with. Haha. Well, I can’t say that they are extreeeemely talented but I will say they are one of the better ones that appeal to me. Catchy tunes aside. I give them credit for their singing voices and whatnots. Plus, I have friends who appreciate them too in a sense, be it their choreo or singing 8D …I went to their fan-meeting with Huiyi when they here in SG earlier this month, and it was quite a blast. Despite the CAT3 tickets which were the furthest from the stage, we depended A LOT on the huge screen nearby us and stiill had a fun time. The boys were adorable and gave really awesome live performances! Definitely did not regret going. If they have a concert here in future, I would definitely want to go for it ^^

SuJu’s 5th album comeback is soon though, so I guess by then my B2ST mania will die down a little? Haha I don’t know but we’ll see I guess.

Traded in my Canon Powershot A650 IS last week, waiting for them to contact me when the Powershot SX30 IS is ready for my purchase ^^

I suppose I could consider going for Kim Hyunjoong’s fan meet for the sake of putting this camera to the test. HEH. But yeah I’m waiting for more information on prices. I still have a pair of Sennheiser headphones to get… Cannot allow my savings meant for a Korea trip (still keeping fingers crossed for next year) to deplete too much too fast D:

Ah, it’s only Tuesday. A long way to go.. Looking forward to blading at ECP every weekend 8)

…….till the next post

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Î qüìt Ü~

Tendered my resignation two days ago. Managed to get another job, of course. Well, it may seem to some, like something done from being irrational.. it’s actually only about.. 15% worth of irrationality. The new job is sounds quite okay in fact; I get to learn and do things which are definitely more useful and worth learning than my current scope, which I’m sorry to say I have not learnt much or anything that is useful and considered as an asset in any future career transition or advancement.

I’d seriously considered waiting it out longer until I find THE one, but that would mean being stuck with the horrible sadistic witch for a longer time, thus increasing the percentage of irrationality because I try oh-so hard at refraining from snapping at her…. which may eventually lead to me accepting any job any how (out of desperation to GTFO of there) without any consideration; I was actually very near to that point already. I have had on and off resume-sending exercises before but those never really turned out well. The last time I did that, I had somehow resigned to fate and accepted that no where else would offer me higher than my current salary AND have other “perks” like office↔home proximity + “flexible” punctuality + surfing net and msn at work (ha.ha.)… I thought I would/should be able to endure longer but I was wrong (well, we all make mistakes eh? lol). Quitting without securing another job is pretty much out of the question; it’s a risk I’m really not willing to take, and generally an act I actually consider as 85% irrational.
So yeah…

Reactions to my resignation? Initially she seemed normal, almost as if she saw it coming (like it was just a matter of time). She didn’t say much, just thought I was okay to wait for big boss to be back (Tuesday) before anything else can be done so she just kept it first. Then yesterday (Friday) she sort of tried to “push” the letter back to me, asking me to hold on to it first until b.boss is back. Then she said some crap which basically meant that she wanted to try and talk things out, saying that our department has only two of us so my reason can only be so few. Then she said if it’s the workload I cannot handle or that ****we cannot get along**** then we should try to “talk it out” (when b.boss is back). But she also said if I have a better offer then she/they can’t stop me also.

While it’s surprising that she acknowledges that there is a considerable amount of friction between us, but then of course, what’s new from her? The letter is simply a “responsibility” she doesn’t want to deal with, so as usual she pushes it away. I basically just said I have a job offer and I accepted it already (to which she asks if I have signed the appointment letter.. um…. so what if I have or haven’t?) and she sort of asked if there’s any chance that I would re-consider, I said not likely I will. She then seemed a little LPPL-ish and said okay, she’ll hold on to the letter.

I feel sad that I couldn’t tell it to her face there and then that she is the sole cause of my decision. I may consider doing so on my last day but we’ll see about it I guess.. Truth is, I have had enough. I do not want her to be the only thing I’m talking (ranting, rather) about every other day. This is just unhealthy.. no?
And to b.boss, I guess this will diisappoint you as much as you disappointed me when you gently rejected my verbal request to transfer department (in a way, you left me no other choice). Then again, I cannot expect you to totally understand how I feel because you don’t and can’t until you experience it yourself first-hand how she abuses me (and anyone she thinks she has the power to) verbally and mentally ON A DAILY BASIS.

Is pathetic to be working under someone whom I feel embarassed to be working under; it’s depressing to be working under someone who makes me do all the dirty work and thus annoying those who have to do extra work because of something she didn’t want, didn’t bother, or didn’t initiate to do; it’s upsetting to be working under someone who acts like she attempts to solve problems when her butting in is unnecessary and yet when the bigger problems arise she shuns them away; it’s tiring working under someone who thinks everyone has an agenda or is out to “shoot” her when they ask of this or that. This isn’t the kind of “support” or even role model that someone of her title should be giving/showing to their subordinate.

And so I’m saying buhbye.

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