my rave&rant corner

I really didn’t expect that I would even feel troubled over sleep. Despite a tired day which I thought could allow me to sleep with more ease, I ended up dreaming of things I rather not dream about. And it didn’t just happen once or twice; there were at least three times during the whole night I woke up from dreams, of which I now cannot recall exactly what about, but they caused me to wake up feeling upset and even painful inside… simply a whole mixture of distressful and/or confusing emotions.

So help me, God.

today wasn’t such a great day. started my day with dad and mum to NUH again for a check up on dad’s progress. things were going okay, very significant improvement in the pressure compared to yesterday. Fixed another follow-up on monday to see the chief ass. prof. and I think will be arranging for surgery. I suppose that’s the next challenge. and I gotta be around so hopefully I am able to understand what is going on, cos muh says NUH aint trustworthy. that’s a real worry. wish my sis could be there but she gotta work. she’d be a lot better at this than me.

well, I was still pretty much moodless to do anything despite the company. ting was great enough to company me despite her back pain (somethin like that). appetite saw a slight improvement during dinner. emily joined us for a while before she went off to dbl o. Got home a while ago and my wound from the fall on tuesday seems to have started to itch. yikes.

still living in fear, not much change in that. well, i don’t know whether to say I am coping well so far. I’m amazed at myself though, for not having cried so far until now. everyday is a war in my mind, but I am fighting as hard as I can. people tell me things to comfort me and make me feel better. and I appreciate them so much. the rest is pretty much up to me. thinking of some things which I may want to do, but there is the risk misunderstanding so… have to see how on that.

I was just changing the battery of the clock in my room and somehow I felt like I missed doing things like these for myself. things like cleaning my room fan, packing my room, which I need to do soon…

specially would like to say thanks ting, emily, kingsley, jm, dennis, muh, martin, ziwei, andy, bibian, astria, for everything…. most importantly thanks to my papa…

Thoughts flood in my mind quite uncontrollably. Its torturing. I keep asking myself so many questions. Why did I allow myself to let things get so out of place? I thought I wanted to strike a balance, but in the end I lost track and lost myself.

Why? How? I just cannot answer.

it’s pretty ironic that everything bad has to come together. first, i got that fateful (or should i say fateless) sms on tuesday night. an sms that is still replaying in my head every once in a while till today. and that was after i fell while skating earlier that day.

then now my dad’s eye problem sort of came back…. it was more of an inflammation. it’s quite worrying when i see how the professor handles my dad’s case. maybe they have their own protocols, so who am i so comment? but it’s kinda frustrating that after not just one, but two pressure-checks only then they decide to do the laser thingy. and it seems like there may still be surgery that needs to be done at a later date.

something is really wrong with NUH. there were 2 staff, one supposedly knock off from work and another obviously on duty and in the middle of a task. Both actually actually seated on the hallway sofa and chit chatting away noisily about non-work related stuff. what a disgrace and disturbance. even my dad was annoyed by them while he was still in pain.

I feel like I’ve been practically living in fear for the past one week. Everything just goes downslope and I fear the day will come where I just cannot take another “blow”. Now I have to stay strong because my dad needs us.

have to try to rest early today…
back to NUH again tomorrow morning.

The thought of sch assignments just bore me. But I suppose pretty soon they will also stress me. It’s just so… argh.

On my way to NUH now after lesson, don’t know why dad’s eye thingy seems to keep having relapse recently.

Looks like there may be more to worry ahead with this condition causing him to be away from work so much….

It’s a tough day today for some reason. I am feeling distressed yet again, and it’s killing me. I want to be strong but the negativity is rather overwhelming today.

The thought of the heartlessness is leaving me with lesser faith with each passing minute of the day. It’s only noon but it doesn’t seem like there has been a good start, which makes my forecast for the rest of the day look pretty bad.

Suddenly it feels so diffficult being alone. Earlier this morning, I felt like I could break down while I was talking to her. But I was trying hard inside to fight it. She could tell that I’m losing my balance too. Nevertheless, I am thankful for King’s sms.

And for the company yesterday evening. And for the faith everyone has been having in me.

I feel terrible. I don’t know why, don’t know how. Just another one the instabilities of my state of mind caused by whatever that has happened in the last couple of days/weeks. I keep finding myself feeling like I’m short of breath every few minutes.

I’ve been told to “cast all my cares upon Him”. But maybe I still don’t know how to truly believe it, so it doesn’t really make me feel at ease as it would others.

It’s tough. A little part of me still cannot get over the fact that when I was cautious, my words didn’t seem to be taken seriously. Was it things like these that made me the bitter person I became? Sigh. Much as I would like to say again that I never thought I would be in a place like this yet again, I sure hope I can get past this asap.

It was cool to finally decide to take out my soul 7s yesterday. I fell down once. Call me crazy, but it felt great. I felt like I hadn’t fallen down like that in such a long time, I forgot how it felt.

All along I was so afraid of falling down. But when I actually did, and despite the abrasions I got, it didn’t feel that scary, and I felt like it gave me a courage boost, like I didn’t mind to fall another couple of times.

Because what doesn’t kill me, can only make me stronger.