Well, things are pretty calm and peaceful now… although something somehow feels missing. Don’t know what is it though. And for some bizarre and unknown reason I don’t know why I started crying last night. There was a complicated mixture of thoughts going through my mind, yet I cannot pinpoint exactly what was what and why they were troubling me. I don’t know if he felt hopeless or frustrated seeing me like that.

Anyway, after my last exam paper, which sad to say I didn’t really do whole-heartedly, I was quite relieved that the exams for the term were over. The rest of my weekend and school break was pretty well spent. As a matter of fact, me and him practically saw/met/hung out with Edmund and Astria for 6 days in a row. Friday to The Crew Room at Prinsep, Saturday to Dbl O, Sunday we didn’t hang out with them but met only for a short while cos I wanted to borrow Ed’s DSLR (for Emily’s ROM), Monday to JB, Tuesday to Sentosa, and finally Wednesday to this Thai disco called NeverLand for Jeff’s birthday. wow, We’re like a couple of couples -_-

Okay, the activities with Ed and Ast mostly consisted of the usual drink, smoke and some forms of fun like card games and their usual five-ten.
Saturday in particular happened to be Halloween and lots of people dressed up for the occasion. Some looked a little weird while others looked kind of cool. But some looked more like they were dressed for cosplay. Then there are those wearing full faced masks that got me thinking what if some one came dressed like that and the person is in fact a terrorist? Well, maybe one of these days during such events, they’re gonna have to take down everyone’s identity before allowing their entry. Heh heh.
Monday was Emily’s ROM day. It rained that day and it was quite an irony considering the place is quite in the middle of no where. But the solemnization was over pretty fast and after that there wasn’t much to do also other than photo-taking. I was quite pissed off with one of her friends though. Apparently this fellow thinks only he was allowed to hold a camera and behaved as though no one else was allowed to take photos of the wedded couple. Jerk-off. Suddenly I imagine MiLord mock scolding this pig with the sarcastic “NBCB”s he’s been doing recently as a form of amusement. Hahaha… Anyway, headed home after that and in the evening met with him, before joining Ed and Ast with one of Ed’s good friends and Ast’s brother+gf to JB for some window shopping and a late dinner.
Then on Tuesday we headed to Sentosa in Ast’s dad’s car, spend about four hours or so there. Managed to swim a BIT. Still, felt quite tired by the end of the day… managed to get a good night’s sleep.
Next day headed to town with MiLord where he went to get his study books for his coming SCI exam which he needs to take before being able to start work, and at the same time I went to submit my final timesheet to agency. We had a very heavy lunch at Pho Hoa (Viet cuisine). Then later that night took a nice long bus ride to Orchard for Jeff’s birthday celebration at NeverLand. The place was erm… sad to say quite boring. Maybe it was a weekday. But I don’t deny the music isn’t that bad compared to dbl o on a Wednesday night. Dbl O’s house music simply sucks. Anyway even the live band and singers at NeverLand can sing those nice R&B songs like Sean Kingston’s Fire Burning, Flo Rida’s Low and even Kat DeLuna’s Run The Show! It was kinda cool but damn ironic that there was no atmosphere nor the mood for dancing! Haha… All there was to drink was Martell with mixers, I can’t remember when I last had Martell. Interestingly I didn’t drink much to even get high, but I still vomited when I go home. I really don’t know why. He said it must be the Martell or the fact that I hadn’t had that in a long time, but I really don’t think it’s the Martell leh! Who knows if it was actually something wrong I took. I didn’t have any stomach pain but I did get a headache. Weird! Haha.

So that was the last of the “happening” week I had so far. Been pretty much slacking until today and now.

Quite bored all of a sudden. Damn.

Is this a form of karma for me? Am I getting back what I gave because it’s a form of retribution that I deserve?

Fucked up life.

It’s interesting but shocking to know what a flu shot can do. It may be a one-in-a-million thing, but when I read the story and video of this one-in-a-million case, I think it’s quite sad, yet I admire her for her courage and strength to face the fact that life goes on.

http://www.nbcwashington.com/topics/?topic=Desiree+Jennings
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uR5p_bD3uLc

I have, for the past few days found myself waking up with a whole load of uneasy thoughts bugging my mind, feeling frustrated…

The recent things that happened and that I was told have resulted in me feeling like I suddenly no longer have any purpose or objective in life, neither do I know what I want to achieve. Sure, one year down the road I will have had a job (hopefully), but who knows if it’ll be a good one? That aside, I can no longer seem to see what else I am doing with my life other than a job. Everything else beyond two years is now a blur, or even just total darkness…

I can’t seem to have anymore certainty that I will be with you happily say, five years down the road. There is just so much insecurity. I know it’s probably mostly or all my own doing or that I think too much, or that if more significant improvements take place in the nearer future, then things may or can or will change. But I am afraid of hoping too much already. As of now, all I feel is this uncertainty that is eating me up every single moment I am alone or unoccupied. Maybe I just need an outlet.

I used to picture us five years down, still together, maybe settled down or in the process of that. But now… I feel very… disturbed, lost. I cannot foresee things as positively as I used to anymore for us. I just have this perception that you will just be continuing the lifestyle you have all along been living. Well, nothing wrong with that. But then again, if what you told be about your belief in love and marriage still stands firm, then I suppose there is nothing that anyone ever needs to worry about…

I really do not know how to describe the way I being bugged by all these thoughts, in words here. I feel like I am having a mind block to even express myself here… And anywhere else for that matter. I only hope that this is temporary. I do not expect you or anyone to give me comfort. The only hope I am clinging onto now is that things will improve and gradually, everything will come into place.

I am sorry you have to know all this from here… I merely needed an outlet, but sad to say I don’t know how to see you as one especially when it comes to issues like these…

time to stand on my own two feet. no more being so dependant on anyone anymore. it brings nothing but disaster. it’s better to count only on myself to solve my own problems, my problems are my responsibility after all. why share it with others and burden them? so much for so little, looks like suffering in silence is still the best option after all…

but then……….

can i really do it? can i?

I am sick and tired of having to cope with and tolerate so much of nonsense. I am exhausted from being nice and everything I try gets taken for granted and/or not appreciated.

Hooray!

check this out, found it on a friend’s friend’s links n facebook. while some of the photos look rather appetizing, others just look weird.. haha. like that “meat baby”? i thought it looked more like some scary looking gingerbreadman spoof. but some look quite interesting and even unique too. maybe i’m more swakoo than i thought, hahaha.

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

feeling moodless to do anything right now. can’t even sleep. i feel very low morale. i feel like i’m becoming one of those people who put on a normal exterior in front of everyone but away from the crowds i am just sick of everything happening with me, of myself. anyone can go right ahead and tell me there are lots of people who are having it worse than me. so? i don’t know how is that supposed to make me feel better. that does not count as a form of motivation does it?

telling someone there are many others who are worse than them doesn’t give the person drive, motivation or feel encouraged. it is only more likely to make the person complacent. if you failed your exam and someone said don’t be upset, loads of people failed also, how is it comforting? it’s just supposed to make u feel that you’re not alone. if you were jobless and someone told you, don’t worry, alot of people got retrenched, would you feel more motivated to look for job? they’re probably just gonna think, oh, luckily i’m not the only one who’s having it bad, phew.

Voicing out when you are unhappy isn’t such a good idea after all. It always results in everyone else being unhappy. So why bring unhappiness upon the people  around you just because you are unahppy? One unhappy person beats, well, any number more than one unhappy person. Voicing out is a good way of communicating to understand one another better. or so to speak. I’m beginning to think that that is just bucking fullshit. And then come and tell me that voicing out doesn’t necessarily mean there would not be conflict. Well, all the more I should not speak up anymore then, eh? What’s worse is that when you are unhappy and you voice it out, your meaning gets interpreted in a way, more exaggerated than you meant it to be, the other party overreacts, resulting in you being a lot unhappier than you originally were. What nonsense.

And when this happens, all the other person can do is to run away and leave you down there, feeling emotionally SHITTY and not knowing what in the bloody god damned hell should, can, or are you supposed to do next. What SUCKS even more is that they disregard your presence, existence, and totally ignore you when you need help thereafter. Since things are going to turn out like this everytime, then soon you’ll have to thank them for further letting your cynical mentality evolve further.