my rave&rant corner

feeling moodless to do anything right now. can’t even sleep. i feel very low morale. i feel like i’m becoming one of those people who put on a normal exterior in front of everyone but away from the crowds i am just sick of everything happening with me, of myself. anyone can go right ahead and tell me there are lots of people who are having it worse than me. so? i don’t know how is that supposed to make me feel better. that does not count as a form of motivation does it?

telling someone there are many others who are worse than them doesn’t give the person drive, motivation or feel encouraged. it is only more likely to make the person complacent. if you failed your exam and someone said don’t be upset, loads of people failed also, how is it comforting? it’s just supposed to make u feel that you’re not alone. if you were jobless and someone told you, don’t worry, alot of people got retrenched, would you feel more motivated to look for job? they’re probably just gonna think, oh, luckily i’m not the only one who’s having it bad, phew.

Voicing out when you are unhappy isn’t such a good idea after all. It always results in everyone else being unhappy. So why bring unhappiness upon the people  around you just because you are unahppy? One unhappy person beats, well, any number more than one unhappy person. Voicing out is a good way of communicating to understand one another better. or so to speak. I’m beginning to think that that is just bucking fullshit. And then come and tell me that voicing out doesn’t necessarily mean there would not be conflict. Well, all the more I should not speak up anymore then, eh? What’s worse is that when you are unhappy and you voice it out, your meaning gets interpreted in a way, more exaggerated than you meant it to be, the other party overreacts, resulting in you being a lot unhappier than you originally were. What nonsense.

And when this happens, all the other person can do is to run away and leave you down there, feeling emotionally SHITTY and not knowing what in the bloody god damned hell should, can, or are you supposed to do next. What SUCKS even more is that they disregard your presence, existence, and totally ignore you when you need help thereafter. Since things are going to turn out like this everytime, then soon you’ll have to thank them for further letting your cynical mentality evolve further.

Horrible mood swings and temperaments again… thanks to the factors that further aggravated my anger, my beloved bberry phone is non-functional. Not that this is an excuse, but I thought it’s quite commonly known that being highly emotional restricts control over our actions sometimes. I don’t suppose anyone truly or will ever understand why my temper is like this, even I don’t. But I read that adults do throw temper tantrums too although it isn’t exactly what someone would call healthy. It is apparent that I have to a certain extent shut myself out from many people around me, and for some reason I can only seem to see it getting worse. I always tell myself that’s what I get for having too much general knowledge.

And get this, out of curiosity I even went to read up on examples of suicidal thoughts, and found one artical that stated this:

Signs a person may be suicidal:
• Threatening to hurt or kill themselves
• Looking for ways to kill themselves: seeking access to pills, weapons, or other means
• Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide
• Hopelessness
• Rage, anger, seeking revenge
• Acting recklessly or engaging in risky activities, seemingly without thinking
• Feeling trapped, like there’s no way out
• Increasing alcohol or drug use
• Withdrawing from friends, family or society
• Anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time
• Dramatic changes in mood
• No reason for living, no sense of purpose in life

Wow… I had no idea that something as simple as range, anger, and even dramatic changes in mood can constitute to a person possibly being suidical. But when I look through the whole list, I feel like I meet quite a considerable amount of these qualities. Interesting… but well, I doubt it’s serious to the extent of suicidal yah? But yes I definitely show symptoms of rage and all, mood changes and all… bla bla…. and quite frankly I am tired of everything that cause all this, let alone dealing with the temper. I don’t know how.

But it sure doesn’t help when you try to take things calmly and someone tries to say something that would obviously agitate you again. It’s just so unhelpful. It’s no different than further demoralizing a person who is already demoralized. A person who is already demoralized, when made even more demoralized, would obviously trigger more negative emotions.

I am sick and tired of life… for now.

I’m such an asse.

The worst you probably ever had in your entire life.

The most horrible of minds.

Probably one who possesses the most of the seven sins.

Spent a great Saturday evening till Sunday evening with MiLord and Edmund, Astria and the gang at Zhihui’s birthday chalet, despite having had to work from 11 in the morning till 7pm, that is.

I suppose the timing was quite good when MiLord and I arrived, the BBQ was just started. Well, I’m not exactly the most fun person to be around with, but I always appreciate the time spent with this gang of friends =) I got to play with Edmund’s DSLR again but I kinda lost touch from when I last got a hold of it. Heh. Anyway, we played card games for quite a while and drinks were needless to say the sole mode of punishment for the losers. After about 2 hours or so, the poor birthday boy KO-ed just when his most awaited guest (Jeff) arrived. Haha. It was so ironic yet a little amusing. After most of the less familiar people (to me) had left while some of the guys went to retire for the night, the remaining of us played card games, ermm except me, until all beer was finished. After that we spent the rest of the night listening to dirty jokes and lame riddles from Jeff, god damn hilarious!

By the time the sun was finally up, most were either sleeping or doing nothing to pass time, by late morning we were all packing and prepared to check out. Went to McDonald’s for lunch before heading to MS KBox and listened to them sing. I didn’t sing though, too shy. Haha.

After that we went for dinner and finally home sweet home, KO!

Next up, KL~

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I am bored and I can’t get to sleep and I’m typing this entry away on my phone and I’m lying in bed.

School’s beginning to feel like such a chore, and I mean so much more than before. I wonder if I can keep up. I’ve already lost attention, assignments are a worry for me, and now I’m starting to wonder if I should start my own self-studying soon in order to be more prepared when the exams are here. And yet I’m still at nothing. As for work, one thing I’ve established during my training week is that It’s quite tiring to work during evenings on a daily basis + one weekend and have to go to school in the mornings. Another thing I established is that going to work at 1pm after morning lesson isn’t much of a difference. Besides the butt sore, it does feel demoralizing when no one picks up your calls, or the number you called isn’t even valid. Then you wonder how the hell on earth were the leads being generated. Anyhow, luckily its only temporary.

Much as I’m unsure of my current status in my studies, I sure as hell can’t wait to finish up the course of studies and get back out there. I want to get a good paying job at a reputable company and do better than I used to and… bla bla bla.

Watched a movie today, Confessions Of A Shopaholic. Well, the movie was what some would call a typical blonde show, but I think it was not too bad. A little like The Devil Wears Prada. Hmmm, I seem to prefer to enjoy such movies rather than to even think of buying the book that it originated from. I could never have the attention span long enough to finish a decent book. And you won’t find me buying a book just because it came out in the movies. I did that with Bridget Jones and I don’t know where the book is now. Haha. Besides, I believe that watching something from a movie can evoke more emotions and feelings as opposed to reading about it. Marley & Me was one great example for me.

Theresa asked if I would be attening her wedding dinner in October. I feel bad I had to decline because I would be having my exams during that period of time. Plus, I’m quite stressed financially already. I think that not many would know how seriously financially stressed I am, let alone understand it. And it’s not like I haven’t thought of alternatives. Yes, I have, but some things just don’t work out the same for everyone.

Oh, and in a quick span of a few minutes, I have actually typed out this mucha crap. Heh.

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After an agonising couple of days, things took a slight turn for improvement, but were still pretty rough on and off, up until days ago only. I do not know if things will still be as tough as the past two weeks had been. I can only hope that we get through this together.

I cannot even begin to explain the extent or dare I say, the severity of my horrible cynical mentality. As what a rather wise friend had put it, a jaded, cynical and bitter person would KNOW that all humans will let them down. The emphasis on the “know” implies that it’s not just a hunch that it is something that might or could happen, but in fact that it’s something that will definitely happen.  It really shed some light for me and somehow I wonder if anyone who read that felt as enlightened as I did. Well, we cannot always explain why the mindsets we have are developed and fixated within us, resulting in the ideas and thoughts that first appear in our minds. It’s not something we can exactly control, or is it? For example, a person who is constantly cynical, like me, would typically find themselves thinking of a worst case scenario of almost every situation, before anything even happens. I could simply tell myself not to think this way. Yeah, as if it’s that easy. I wouldn’t be the way I still am if it were that easy.

Anyway a move on to something on the lighter side, school has been quite dry and I have actually been showing lesser and lesser interest in paying attention during lessons. I am trying to focus though. The thought of doing group assignments worry me more at the moment. In a discussion recently, I had observed that someone wasn’t really focusing on the discussion topics even though I was being very suggestive since no one else had much to suggest or speak of. After a little tolerance on my part, we finally settled on something, only for that someone to change the idea the next day. It’s not something I would really want to force myself to appreciate because the person never bothered to voice out her own views during the discussion the day before. What if she changed the ideas everytime AFTER we settle on something during a group discussion? I cannot imagine how much time would be wasted. Or is this the result of a generation gap? =\ Nevertheless, I have decided that I will try my best not allow group members to contradict whatever that has been discussed. I should really start putting my foot down when it comes to decisions like these.

Last week on Saturday, MiLord and I went with Edmund and gang to Kulai to eat dim sum supper. Having had the wrong mood aside, the experience was quite enjoyable and fun on the whole and I wouldn’t mind going for more suppers with the same gang more often. You would think that having dim sum in Malaysia is nothing exciting, but aside from the food being not too bad and having the right company, it was actually the riding at 200 and something km/h that truly kicked it up a notch. Hahaha. It was quite thrilling and I actually felt safer compared to going at 90 or 100 in SG. Because when there aren’t any cars around at a highway, there’s not much need to really HOLD on to the tank and no need to worry that some asshole will suddenly jam break or want to change lanes without signalling. It rained when we were about two-thirds back so we were forced to get shelter at a petrol kiosk. We must’ve spent at least 2 hours there, and even though I didn’t interact with the others much, I felt it was quite fun. Haha weird right? Oh and luckily Astria went to otherwise I’d felt a little weird being the only girl -_-  I remember having taken a photo with her but it’s on Edmund’s handphone camera -_- Anyway here’s a group pic of the guys and one of their bikes.

the guys

the bikes

the us

I finally started work and earning REAL money. The clinic job was just too financially unfulfilling. Well, I found a much easier way to travel to the Starhub CC (pls, I’m not referring to bike) so I have less worries about travelling for 2 hours by bus if I work at 6pm. It’s tiring going home at 10 plus every night but at least I am content knowing that I’m not earning a measely amount like $5 or $5.50. I suppose August wouldn’t have been wasted if I accepted the job initially in July. now all I need to do is get used to certain aspects of the jobscope.

For now, the things I’m looking forward to are: Next coming weekend, chalet, I heard there will be a BBQ also. If I’m right, it was meant for Zhihui’s birthday and I heard that he invited 30 over of his friends . Omg haha. Hopefully it’ll be fun. They said they will be cycling/blading the next day after checking out of the chalet, so I guess I’ll be bringing my blades if it’s not too much hassle to bring. Then the weekend after, will be flying to KL with Edmund and Astria (not sure if any others going?). Hopefully that will be fun too.

Nothing else left to say for now… wonder when I can next get to play with Edmund’s Sony DSLR though, and when will he lose interest in it. Muahaha.

No amount of sorries can calm me down, not even until now.

It may be a small thing, but looking at it in different perspectives, it shows big things too. It’s really something I find too difficult to accept. After some reflection, it questions the direction of where this is all supposed to be headed for. It seems like things don’t seem to be on the right path.

I don’t quite know how to describe the kind of disappointment that was brought about…

So what if it could’ve been worse and luckily it’s not? It’s all in the matter of principles.

I am just hurt. Indescribably hurt.

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